kindness V.S. firmness

One of the fascinating things I have seen are disagreements. It is quite normal for people to yell, scream and insult the other (who is clearly the one in the wrong) in almost a vocal wrestling match. Both parties will flex their power and the first one to tap out must clearly be in the wrong.

Now to be honest it is nothing personal. Both people can walk away from a “heated” tussle completely unfazed and at the next meeting pretend as if they were natural born blood brothers.

I can’t do that. I am not a yeller. And I don’t really care to engage in a race to see who is most powerful. However the problem for me has been that sometimes, people do not plan to respond apart from intimidation. That isn’t meant to sound offensive. It is the simple fact that the people here have significantly thicker skin than me. Thats all.

A story.

I have a MacBook. I love it. it is pretty bare-bones and I quickly filled up my hard drive with important things like music and movies. So i looked at upgrading to a 500GB hard drive. I was quoted at just over $100 including installation. I thought WOOHOO! The drive had to be ordered and 2 days before installation I found out that the Mac store was putting in a Singaporean one that he promised* was just as good as MAC. Maybe. I was skeptical, but what put me over the edge was I knew that would invalidate my warranty. So I said no. Return it. I want my money back. I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t yell, I wasn’t even that angry. He refused, said it was impossible. No refund. Ever.

So I drove to his office and sat down with him. I told him that I was not aware he was putting in a different brand, and the consequences of it, and that I refused (this would be rude at home) to pay for it. that I needed all my money back in cash (I paid with card). He called his supervisor, and we 3 talked. I told the supervisor how good a job his technician had done in the past, I didn’t blame him for anything, but that I was in a dilemma and how could we fix it. That changed everything. Not only was there NO tension, yelling, or shows of power, but relationships were made stronger and I was refunded my $100 cash in less than 24 hours. The same thing in another culture handled that way could have been a fiasco of rudeness.

This was an example of it going well. It hasn’t always ended so happy, but that has been my benchmark. I am finding that I have to be much much firmer that I am used to, which in my black and white thinking is mutually exclusive of kindness, compassion, forgiveness and love, but I am learning to hold both- kindness and firmness.

its a process. enjoy it.


r